The "Yes, I Can" Child

Why Does My Child Act So Great With Everybody Else, But Not With Me?

     Isn’t that a question you ask yourself as you see your child behave so politely with their teachers, coaches and parents of their friends and you want to scream at the top of your lungs because your buttons are being pushed due to their testy behavior with you? I want you to see the positive side to this. There really is a positive side and a compliment to you as the parent.

     Think about this for a moment. As you start to build a relationship with another person you’re on your best behavior. The politeness, willingness to go the extra mile, and consideration for the other person’s feelings are in the forefront of your mind. As the relationship grows you become more comfortable and relaxed with the other person. You can easily take one another for granted just because you get use to this person being around you all the time.

   Guess what? It’s the same scenario with your child except coming out of the womb they didn’t have to be on their best behavior. They just learned that you were there. At the slightest sound of a whimper you were at their side to hold them, talk to them and make them feel secure that everything would be okay. This is a great compliment to you. You have made your child feel safe and secure. They know you love them no matter what they do.

   Of course the down side to that is as you experience your child’s behavior, that’s raising your frustration to its top level, you’re trying to figure out why this is happening and how do you change this behavior, without losing control, and set a good example as their parent? The solution is simple, but not easy. It’s really about setting firm boundaries, clear expectations and keeping the consistency with your child on a daily basis. This can be difficult because it takes self-discipline on your part to carry out the consistency and not give in when your child is whining or trying to manipulate you to give in to what they want.

    An example of this might be how you set expectations of good manners at the dinner table with your child. When I am working with kids, and it is meal time, I will explain to them that it’s important to have good manners while we’re eating. Fooling around and being funny can happen after we have finished. If I have worked with them long enough so they know what’s expected then I will only remind them one time that I want good behavior. If they choose to still be inappropriate I will send them to time out and possibly they won’t receive dessert. When I send them to time out it’s the same amount of time as their age. If their 5 years old, they are in time out for 5 minutes. When I approach them to come out of time out and finish their dinner they have shown me by calming down while in time out that they are ready to make good decisions to act with good manners. I will ask them if they are ready to go finish eating. If they say yes, that’s great and we continue on as we were prior to time out. If they are not ready and they tell me so I will leave them alone for 5-10 minutes at a time and approach them until they are ready. In my 18 years of working with children I don’t believe I’ve ever had to approach them more than twice and they are ready to move forward. All you need to do is create the structure, consistency and follow through to make this happen and you will see your child cooperate with you.

    The reason your child acts so great with everybody else, but not with you is because they don’t know this other person and how they will react to their behavior. They aren’t willing to take the risk because they don’t feel the security and don’t want to experience rejection from others.

    The good news is your child can act as great with you as he/she does with everybody else. You have to decide that it’s important enough for your child to learn certain principles; like respect for others no matter who they are; cooperation with family members; putting others before themselves when necessary, and you’re willing to be consistent to follow through on your expectations. You do this by creating a nurturing structure in your home that’s followed consistently on a daily basis.

   

    I had an awesome afternoon recently with a couple of boys ages 9 & 12. It was our “fun day”. I planned to take them to play some mini-golf (putt, putt to some of you out there) and then to a movie I knew that wanted to see. I know how important it is to reinforce good sportsmanship when playing with kids and this wonderful 9 year old can be a bit competitive. He’s had to learn how important it is to be a good sport when he loses a game. Before we started to play golf I told them that we need to remember how important it was for all of us to have a good attitude during the game and be a good sport. I have known these boys long enough that they know that winning isn’t the most important thing to me, but that we do our best. I explained that if there was any bad sportsmanship we would not go to the movie afterwards. They were wonderful and we had a good time. Because of the length of time we’ve known each other they knew I would follow through with what I had told them. All you have to do is set the precedent with your child, be proactive in your communication and follow through with what you’ve said.

    So instead of letting your frustration level rise so high when your child is pushing your hot button, know that you’ve created a feeling of security with your child and they know you love them unconditionally.  You can start to make the positive changes in their behavior by creating a nurturing structure and communicate clearly what you expect from your child to reinforce them to be responsible, respectful individuals.

Good Sportsmanship

Are You Reinforcing Good Sportsmanship?

     Just recently I had a blast with a couple of boys, John age 9 and James age 12. It was a “Fun Day” for us and I’d planned on an afternoon of mini-golf (putt-putt to some of you readers) and then to the movie theater to see a movie I knew they had been waiting to see.

     These guys are great kids and I love them dearly, but I know they’re still growing and maturing and therefore I’m still teaching and reinforcing good principles whenever I’m with them. In this particular outing it was about good sportsmanship.

     John is naturally athletic no matter what the sport is, but his weakness is in the sportsmanship area. He hates to lose. He has gotten much better but still needs to be reminded; therefore before we started playing golf I told them how important it was for us to remember to have a good attitude and be a good sport no matter how we did during the game. They agreed with me, but you know as well as I do anybody can agree with you and not follow through with the right actions. So I stipulated that if they chose not to be a good sport during the game there would be no movie.

   We had a great time and the most hilarious part of the game was they played the good sportsmanship to an extreme, quite dramatic; cheering me on each time it was my turn. I would start my turn and as I’m focusing on where to hit the golf ball I would hear one of these young men say, “Go Lesa!” I would look up and smile at them so they would know that I knew they were playing this part to its most dramatic level.

   They have known me since birth so the trust level I have with them is very strong. They know it’s never about winning with me; it’s about doing your best. I happened to win the game, but I was their greatest cheerleader during the game each time it was their turn. They also knew that I would follow through with what I had stipulated because of the example I had set all the years they’ve known me.

    Now you might be thinking well of course they were good sports all during the game because they wanted to go to the movie and you manipulated their behavior. I don’t agree and I’ll explain why. I have had all these years to establish a rapport with them and they already know winning isn’t everything to me. I am setting the standard I want them to live up to, more than doing any manipulating. If I was being hypocritical and expecting them to do something I wasn’t willing to do my self that would be entirely different. That’s a question all of us have to ask ourselves when working with kids, “Am I walking the walk or just talking the talk?”  You’ll find they’ll follow you and do as you’ve asked when they see you doing the same thing. When you reinforce something with your child frequently the action becomes a natural habit to them over a period of time.

    Not only is it important for you to communicate to your child your expectations of good sportsmanship, explaining why it is a strong character trait for them to have as a person, and showing them how it will allow them to work together in team sports and later on in their careers. It is also important to show them good sportsmanship and how it applies in your own interaction with teammates, and at work. Children are always watching and listening to us, even when they appear not to be, so make sure the example you set, is the one you want them to learn.

The New Book

Well I'm getting requests about the content of the book I will release in October and I'm happy as well as excited to let you know the overview of the book. "How to Get Your Child to Say... Yes, I Can, & I Will", is a book that will assist parents or caregivers to set up structure in their homes to nurture their children to be responsible, respectful individuals. I even show you how to put it together in 10 days or less.

      I've had the pleasure of creating this  type of system in private homes for nearly 20 years that people started telling me 5 years ago that I needed to write a book on it. Well it's about to hit the public and truly I hope it has a great impact on families to help them leave a great legacy behind for their children.

      My goal was to keep it simple so anybody picking up the book and reading it would be able to execute the system in their home. I will also make available other resources for readers on my website or blog that will help in the continuum.

      During the writing of the book I was soooooo blessed to have a great team behind me from all areas of life. I sought this out because I want this book to reach every household that has children 2 year and older. You can apply everything I cover in the book to kids of all ages.

    Our youth are screaming for direction and good principles to stand on. This is obvious to us isn't it when we look at events that are happening around us? I want to make myself available to a bigger audience of people so I can assist in helping our youth. That's why I wrote the book. Please comment on the blog/ask questions so I can share wisdom or be of encouragement to you?